This is Brett Varvel and it’s my first time writing on the Varvelicious Blog. I cannot compare to the INCREDIBLE writing talent of my wife, but I wanted to share my perspective about the recent news of our son’s condition. If you haven’t read my wife’s recent post about this you should start there, Your Baby has a 1-in-3 chance of having Down’s Syndrome so you can get a background for this post.
Christina and I sat quietly waiting for the Genetic Counselor after we just received the truck load of what-ifs from the OB specialist. “Duodenal Atresia, Down’s Syndrome, Stay strong… Heart Disease, additional Intestinal problems, Stay strong.” Those two words continued to repeat in my head. I felt numb. I felt confused. However, I didn’t want Christina to see that. I felt that I had to be strong for her.
The next two days were the hardest. I felt pain and was stricken with guilt for feeling that way. I know God is Sovereign. I know He is in control. I know that He loves my son more than I ever could and that however He created Damon was perfect. However, I couldn’t shake the fear. I couldn’t resist the urge to research (even though we were advised not to do so). I wanted answers and as a father I wanted to fix the problems. The thought of my newborn son being cut open to fix a defective portion of his intestines was so overwhelming that I couldn’t handle it. At the moment when my emotions were so great and I thought the floodgates of my soul were going to be opened, I would quiet myself and hold it in. “Stay strong!” However, fear is stubborn and wouldn’t go away. I began to worry about finances, the hospital bills, fathering our two year old daughter, being there for Christina, and staying close to the Lord.
As the days passed, I was working from home a lot trying to finish a freelance project and my daughter, Kherington, was testing me and Christina to a whole new level. It seemed as if she was prompted by Satan to behave at her worst during this trying time. Again those words came back… “Stay strong!” I tried to keep calm and discipline in a Godly manner. The harder I tried to win the battles with Kher, the more I felt like I was losing. One night at my parents house, Kher threw the biggest temper tantrum I have ever seen from her. I felt lost, confused, and scared. We got her calmed down enough to get her in the car, but the battle continued when we got home. I began to wonder if spanking was doing anything at all. I was searching for a glimmer of repentance before I gave up. Finally, I saw something that resembled repentance and knew it was time for bed. We put her in bed and I crawled into bed with her. Christina and I performed the nightly routine (singing songs and praying), Christina kissed her goodnight, but I stayed in the bed with her. Christina closed the door and I held my daughter to my chest. I prayed for my daughter’s salvation, for strength, for peace, for His will to be done and for the fear to be taken away. Tears began to form in my eyes and I heard those words again… “Stay strong!” Only this time I heard something else, “Let me be strong for you.” I knew that the Lord was speaking to me. He was telling me that He is in control, that He is strong in my weakness, and that He will be glorified through this. I began to lay all of my fears and worries at the feet of Jesus, but didn’t feel free from the circumstance. I kissed Kher on the forehead and she placed her hand on my cheek. I told her that I loved her and she nodded her head, Yes.
I went into my bedroom and sat on the bed. I realized that I didn’t feel free because I had not let go of one final fear. This fear had been lingering since the day we first heard that Damon would be having surgery… I was afraid my son was going to die. Christina came up and placed her hands on my shoulders and asked me if I was OK. I grabbed her belly and began to weep. I couldn’t stay strong anymore. Through my sobbing I begged God to protect my son, and I asked him to free me of this fear. I praised the Lord for giving this incredible GIFT (Damon) to us because it was a gift that we don’t deserve. I realized that no matter what the outcome that God would be glorified through this situation. It was in that moment of weakness where I finally felt strong.
As Christina mentioned in her post, we began feeling the prayers of the saints. It’s really hard to put into words, but I knew our loved ones were crying out to Jesus on our behalf. The peace of our Lord began to wash over me, and I realized that I was being given an opportunity to point others to Christ through this trial.
In my most recent film “The War Within,” we challenge the audience to believe that God is Enough. That in the best moments and the darkest moments of life, He is Sovereign and Loving. In this trial of uncertainty I was given the opportunity to live out the very message I was trying to share with the world. However, it’s easy to tell others what they need to do in these moments and it’s entirely different to live it out. We always want to see a miracle. We always want to see God at work… That is until the situation happens to us. In that moment of brokenness I gained a better perspective on our situation. That is, I gained a revived eternal perspective. God is Enough. He is all I need and He knows what is best for me and my family.
Finally, after the longest two weeks ever, we learned that our son is at low-risk for Down’s Syndrome and Heart Disease. Aside from the surgery he will have, he appears to be a perfectly healthy baby boy. I Praise GOD for this answer to prayer! I have been able to reflect and meditate on why God let this happen. While I don’t have all the answers yet, I do know that in these past two weeks I have grown closer to the Lord then I have been in years. I Love Him more. I am more thankful for the little things in life and I have a deeper compassion for those with Special Needs. They are a beautiful creation and gift from our Creator. I also have grown deeper in love with my wife and children. I am a very blessed man and don’t deserve them. However God, in his infinite grace and mercy has blessed me with my family.
Last week we met with the pediatric surgeon and visited the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit where we will be spending a few weeks with our son. At this point all signs point to a normal delivery. Praise God! Once he is born he will be cleaned up and prepped in his NICU bed. They will do tests to confirm his duodenal atresia diagnosis. Our family will get some brief time with him before his surgery, which will take place sometime between 24-48 hours after birth. After his surgery, it is pretty much going to be a waiting game. The time it will take for him to heal and be able to eat is not set in stone and will depend on when the intestine starts to work again. Christina and I are so blessed to be able to have such a great medical team surround us and help us through this period in our lives.
My life verse is Proverbs 16:9: “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Was this my plan? Absolutely not. Now all I can do is continue to rest in the Lord and wait patiently on His timing. I can’t wait to hold my son and tell him that I love him. Christina and I continue to covet your prayers.