My Friend, You are not alone

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“No one understands you, Christina. You’ve always been different.  If other women really knew your heart and struggles they would reject you. Just stuff it down, put on a good face, and keep going through life. It’s better to be alone anyways. You survived high school, college, and all the years up to this point with only a couple of close friends.  Stay hiding. Again, no one really understands.”

Sadly, those are real thoughts.  The oxymoron is that in the moments I listened and believed those thoughts, I felt so alone when reality is that I was the farthest from being alone in those thoughts.  Have you ever heard yourself say something similar?  Maybe different words but the same conclusion: I. Am. Alone.  And in a twisted way my loneliness drags me down to further isolation rather than reaching out to someone. If this is you, my friend, pull up a chair.

I was drowning in those thoughts a little less than a year ago. I felt like no one could relate to me as a filmmaker’s wife and watching my husband wrestle with God’s will and waiting on His timing to fulfill his calling as a “missionary who makes movies.” There is no other woman in my church that is a wife to a filmmaker so of course no one understands, right?  In addition, there are sins and idols in my heart that I’m always dealing with and who likes to confess sin, especially to other women who appear to have it all together, right?  So it’s easy to just try to deal with it alone. Fake it until you make it somehow. Isolate. Yet choosing to isolate myself kept me in bondage to the lies.  And worse, in my loneliness, fears, and a wrong identity of who I am in Christ, I was keeping the door of my heart wide open, resorting to my idols for a sense of comfort and control.

But my God is good and gracious, and He opened my eyes and did something miraculous. The Bible says, For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15-16)   So I cried out to Jesus in my loneliness, since He of all people understands what it is like to be alone and misunderstood. I prayed many of David’s Psalms, and He answered by bringing 3 very different yet life-impacting relationships into my life.  Let me share how these relationships have changed me and brought me from isolation to extending my arms out and loving others even more without fear of rejection.


The Friend: One day I got on Facebook and had a new message from a woman I knew of but never met.  Her message was short and simple. She told me that God had laid me heavily on her heart and that she was praying for me. Completely unexpected and it touched me significantly in that moment when I needed someone to show compassion. I thanked her and told her how much her prayers meant to me.  As our conversation continued, we shared more about ourselves and we soon realized that we are very similar in our personality and struggles as wives, mothers, and even ministry callings for our families. Our friendship deepened as we encouraged each other in our faith and pursuit of Jesus, held each other accountable to our idols in life, and even vented or laughed about our daily grind as moms.

Fast forward: it’s been 7 months and this girl has become an anchor in my life holding me down with Truth.  I don’t know where I’d be without her. Our friendship has displayed Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”  And man is she sharp!  She calls me out when she perceives my heart wandering, she listens to the Spirit when praying for me and tells me exactly what I need to hear, and she encourages me to keep pursuing Jesus no matter the cost. I pray I do the same for her.  God heard my cry of loneliness, the Spirit spoke to this woman to send a simple message to tell me that she cares, and my life has been changed because of our friendship.


The Older: I’ve always desired an older, wiser woman to mentor me. Someone to take me under her wing, teach me from her life experiences, and pour Truth into my life as a young wife and mother. I didn’t know how to go about finding this mentor.  I prayed occasionally that God would just send someone to me. That this woman will walk right up to me and say, “I’m going to disciple you.” Well, it wasn’t happening.  Last year Brett and I started attending a church whose mission is “to make disciples who make disciples.”  It only increased my desire for someone to come alongside me that has already walked in my shoes as a wife and mom.  Again, in my loneliness I begged God to send someone who could disciple me.

One Sunday morning I was praying as I got ready for church. I asked God to show me that morning the woman who could disciple me.  With faith, I walked into the church building and my eyes started scanning like a hawk looking for food. A few women caught my attention yet I didn’t feel the Spirit tug. Brett and I dropped the kids off in their classrooms and we found a seat. We were early that day, so I kept scanning as women came and sat down.  Then I saw a man standing in the back that caught my attention. I faced forward again and spoke this man’s wife’s name to God. Within 5 seconds, Brett turns to me and says, “What about _____” It was the woman I had just spoke to God.  I had overwhelming peace from the Spirit.

The service couldn’t get over soon enough.  Brett went to get the kids and I eagerly sought out this woman. She was speaking to someone else, so I anxiously waited off to the side trying to still figure out what I was even going to say. She acknowledged me, finished her conversation, and smiled brightly as she made her way to me. It didn’t take long; I was babbling and crying like a baby as I told her, “I desperately need someone to help me!”  Her compassion was overwhelming as she hugged me and said, “Yes. Let’s meet up as soon as possible. I am very available.”

We started meeting up every other week. I talked, I cried, I confessed sin and struggles as she listened and constantly took me to Scripture. The Truth of God’s Word filled me as she shared exactly what I needed. I would leave my time with her energized, satisfied by the Word of God, and encouraged. She never judged me. She listened. She understood. She was used by the Spirit to speak to me right where I was in that moment.  Here is the best part:  Within the first couple of times together, she opened up and shared what God was teaching her. God had been telling her to stop being afraid and reach out to more women.  The very day that I walked into church by faith looking for her to disciple me, she walked into church with her hands held out asking God, “Who Lord? My hands are held out to serve someone. Show me who.”  Like me, she was scanning the women who came and went. Then when I walked up to her, both our prayers were answered.  I just got the chills writing that out.  Again, God heard me. God heard her. He doesn’t want us alone.

For several months now we have met on and off. Our relationship has displayed Titus 2:3-5, Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”   This woman is not only older than I am, but more importantly, she is much wiser and has been teaching me through her own life experiences.  The humbling part is that God has also used me to encourage her and her pursuit of Jesus. 


The Younger: Around the same time these two women came into my life, God still wasn’t done answering my cry for help and was stretching my heart even more.  This time though, I became the “older woman” to a high school-aged girl.  Like my desire for an older woman to disciple me, I have prayed for a younger woman to disciple, but the same frustrations came with pursuing this relationship. Just like I was waiting for someone to come up to me and announce boldly that she will be my mentor, the thought of me picking some girl out of a crowd was frightening and just plain awkward.

However, it wasn’t needed because this girl came to me first for nutrition advice.  What started out as dietitian-to-patient relationship blossomed into a deeper discipleship relationship.   As this girl shared her heart with me, I looked across the picnic table and could see myself, 13 years ago. Many of her struggles were similar to mine at that age. I am excited for the opportunity to share with her what I wish I would have known when I was 18 years old. We met recently and she updated me on a significant idol she had overcome which has drawn her closer to Jesus. She eagerly asked me questions and sought more of my advice. I cherish our conversations and walk away greatly humbled that even in the midst of my own struggles, God is using my life experiences, successes, failures, and the lessons that He has taught me to impact someone else.


My friend, we need each other. Stop isolating yourself. Stop telling yourself that you are alone and no one understands.  Since there is nothing new under the sun, I guarantee you that there is another woman going through a very similar experience or battling a particular sin or idol like you are right now.  Pray and beg God like I did to send you a friend and/or someone to disciple you. He will listen because He made us for relationships. He doesn’t want you fighting alone.

Let’s also stop making assumptions.  That woman at church or in the moms’ group that appears to have it all together? She is struggling in some way too.  Don’t be afraid to go to someone like I did. Be honest and confess sin, and I promise instead of more pain you will find immense healing take place. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” (James 5:16). We also need to stop judging other women, leading to gossip. (“Oh! We should pray for so-and-so! Did you hear…?”)  No wonder we are afraid to open up and be real about our burdens and sins; it may be next on the “prayer request” chain. And just because we don’t struggle with a particular sin doesn’t mean that we are better than that other woman struggling with her sin. Let’s get the plank out of our eyes and see that we are all sinners in need of the gospel daily, no matter what the sin.

Since we are flawed humans we cannot expect perfection in each other.  I have regretfully made my share of mistakes in relationships, and also have been on the receiving end of being hurt.  In my own failures and rejection by others, I have a tendency to go back to isolation. I don’t want to cause or receive any more pain. In fact, I wrestled with the Spirit on publishing this post. Those lies crept in again telling me to isolate myself and not be vulnerable.  However, I instantly realized they were lies from Satan trying to shut me up because he knows the spiritual impact of discipleship and doesn’t want you to experience it.  These women in my life have taught me that blessing only comes when I come out from hiding. And that the most wonderful thing about friendship and discipleship is when we pour into each other, we can continue to pour out more to others.  It’s a beautiful cycle.  It’s a God-ordained cycle, and He wants you to be a part of it.

You are not alone in your feelings of being alone. You really are not that different. You are understood. You are not rejected. Now get up off your chair, get out of hiding, and ask God to bring a woman you can open up your heart to. And if you are an “older” woman, go reach out your hands to a “younger” woman who desperately needs the Spirit working through you. It’s better to do life together, I promise.

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Moms: Stop the lie. You do have time for Jesus.

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“Mommy, I’m going to sit and read my Bible in peace. I’m going to do my devotions and talk to Jesus.”

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So she sat down in front of the door (she was waiting for a friend to come over) and “read” her Bible. This post is not a “look at me and how well I am doing as a mom” post.  If we want to grab coffee sometime, I could tell you all the mistakes and things I’m not doing well.  Yet, my hope is that you can learn something that took me almost 5 years to learn as a mom.

Note: for those of you that do not know me, this is from the perspective of a stay-at-home mom with two children.  You may have a different perspective based on your home, work, children, spouse situation. But one thing is true that we all have in common as moms: we are commanded to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength (Matthew 22:37).   And this common goal is what this post is focusing on.

As a mom, I have struggled in the past with finding time to spend with Jesus, studying His Word and praying. The Christianese word is “devotions,” as you read my daughter calling it.   When my daughter was born, my life was consumed with her.  Many first time moms experience this: life revolves around your child, you are afraid of doing anything wrong, and are convinced that one error is going to ruin your child forever!   I confess that my daughter became my idol pretty quickly.   I can confidently say that because she summed up this definition by Tim Keller: “An idol has such a controlling position in your heart that you can spend most of your passion and energy, your emotional and financial resources, on it without a second thought.”

Then the second born came along. After how I was idolizing my first born, God needed to teach me that my children are gifts from Him and ultimately belong to Him.  Damon was born with duodenal atresia and had surgery less than 72 hours after birth.  Leading up to his birth and even after, fears of the worst case scenarios flooded our minds. Through this experience the Spirit taught us that God is in control of every breath our child takes. Yet, still in our unbelief we tend to hold on even tighter when we cannot control our children’s lives, resulting in idolatry.

Every additional child is a transition yet gives you a different perspective.  I roll my eyes at myself when I look back and think about all the things I stressed over with Kherington.  Or how I really did believe I didn’t have time to do anything!  I totally had time to take a 10 minute shower!  I try to remember what DID I do when she slept so much?  Somehow, when more children come along we still make it work, even if the meals aren’t from scratch and your toddler is wearing the same pajamas for a couple days. Mmhmm…sorry Damon!

Shortly after having Damon, I read blogs on how to schedule your mornings so that your days can run smoothly based on priorities and goals for the day.  Spending time with the Lord (aka devotions), always was on that morning to-do list. As I made my morning time table, my goal was to wake up an hour before the kids to read my Bible and pray.  I am a morning person so I thought it was very doable. However, my hubby is a night owl.  When we got married, I was convinced I would change him to be a morning person. Ha!  I gave up after…oh…6 years of marriage that it ain’t ever happening.  In fact, he turned me more into a night owl!!! So be careful what you say you want to change about your husband; you may be the one that changes!

Some days I was successful at getting up early while others I was not, especially if I stayed up too late the night before to spend time with Brett. However, on the days that I did not get up in time and I woke up to Kherington’s face staring at me with her wide eyes, I never took time later in the day to spend with Jesus.  I lived each day with the perspective that if I didn’t wake up early, I wasn’t going to have time to do it the rest of the day.  In essence, I was telling Jesus, “You only have from 7-8 am every day. If I miss it, sorry, I’ll try again tomorrow. You really weren’t as important as _________. ”  Yikes. Writing that out makes me cringe since it was my heart attitude, and oh, how it pained Jesus!  I viewed my devotional time as an item on my morning to-do list that needed to be checked off so I can go about my day, rather than desperately pursuing my Savior and passionately worshiping Him.

Also, I was deceived by Satan in believing that I didn’t have time the rest of the day. After all, I have to get to my never-ending to-do list.  Then I’m too tired at night to focus and just want to sit and relax with Brett.  I believed the lies we all say to ourselves: “I just don’t have time.” Or “Ok. I do have a little time but not 15, 30, 60 consecutive minutes to read and pray!” Or “I’ll get to it later, I promise!” Or “I will make time when my children finally _________.”    And this is right where Satan wants us, because if we fill our days with stuff that we think is beneficial but….let’s be honest…much doesn’t count for eternity…then we are exhausting ourselves silly trying to gain the whole Pinterest-perfect-how-many-likes-can-I-get-on-Facebook world and the end result could be losing our souls, and worse, our children’s souls (Matthew 16:26).

I finally stopped the lies and believed truth: I do have time. I have 24 hours. If God thought we needed more time, He would have given it to us.  It’s all a matter of priority. We make time for the things we love or want to do.  Saying, “I don’t have time for you, Jesus” is not loving Him with all my heart, soul, and mind.  Instead, I’m saying, “I don’t love you right now, I love someone or something else more.”   And as moms it is usually our kids, and we easily justify that we are obeying God by sacrificing and loving them, when in fact it’s disobedience since the first and greatest commandment is to love Him FIRST then your neighbor. Our children fit into this “neighbor” category, in which the SECOND greatest commandment Jesus gives is to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:39).

The past year has been a difficult time for Brett and me as we have been waiting on God’s timing for the next steps in our lives.  God has been humbling us like never before. I have been desperate for Jesus and His Word, hungering and thirsting after Him. In the trial, I have finally made Jesus a priority in my life and stopped forcing myself at my “perfect” time to do my devotions, as long as I get filled by Him at some point that day. During this season of my life, some days I get up early before the kids but most days I don’t.  Brett or I will make coffee while getting the kids breakfast. Once the kids are done, they find or I give them something to do.  They know that Mommy will be in her room with her coffee reading her Bible and talking to Jesus.

I thought that I had to do my devotions only when the kids were sleeping so I wouldn’t be distracted.  Another stupid lie.  My kids are 5 and 2 years old and in the last year my time with Jesus has been deeper, closer, and more intimate than ever before, and it was when I have been seeking Jesus when they were awake!  Do I have to break up fights? Of course. Do they run in and out of my room? Definitely.  But they have learned that this is Mommy and Jesus time.  Kherington doesn’t ask me to come help her anymore. Instead, she says, “Mommy, when you are done reading your Bible, can you….”  “Yes honey. I am almost done talking to Jesus.”  Yet some days my time is cut short and doesn’t go as planned.  I give myself grace, and remember that Jesus is always beside me throughout the day to talk to Him no matter what I’m doing.

The best part….No. More. Guilt.  More lies from Satan: “You should be spending time with them! You are neglecting them right now!  You need to be doing x, y, z!”    No, Satan.  When my kids are watching me spend time reading God’s Word and praying, it’s actually one of the MOST loving things I can do for them.  Brett recalls his dad studying the Bible consistently when he was growing up.  Brett became curious as to what and why his dad was so passionate about God’s Word, causing him to spend time reading it to find out for himself.  Most importantly, when I put my to-do list down and yes, even say no to my child at that moment to spend time at Jesus’ feet, it’s the MOST loving thing I can do for Him.

Francis Chan writes in his amazing book, You and Me Forever, “Lisa and I want to raise children who love Jesus far more than they love us. We want them to trust Him more than us, to enjoy Him more than us, to find more security in Him than in us. And we are convinced that the best way to teach this is to demonstrate it. We have to make it clear to our children that we love God more than we love them.”

Wow!  Convicting right!?   This is my goal too and that my children will know that I love Jesus. Then when I hear Kherington tell me that she needs to go read her Bible and talk to Jesus…or on some days crawls up in my bed with her Bible too, I fight tears as I praise and give glory to God.

Moms, you do have time for Jesus. It is only a matter of how desperate you are for a deeper relationship with God.  Does your daily life show that you are loving your children (or yourself) more than Him?  Stop trying to fit Him in your perfect schedule like I was trying and failing.  Instead, put Him anywhere in your day, even if it seems inconvenient and the kids are running in and out of your room. I dare you to try it, and I’m convinced that He will put everything else in its proper place as your perspective changes how you view your time spent on this earth.  And someday you may find your child, whether 5 or 15, reading her Bible and praying because you demonstrated to her that Jesus is most important.