I believe Jesus…but I really believe Satan.

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I sat in my seat in the dark basement theater.  Three girls dressed in black walked out on the stage and it went quiet.  They lay down on the cold cement floor and covered themselves with a black mesh sheet.  I leaned forward in anticipation for the dance to start.  I whispered something to my friend sitting beside me, who co-choreographed the beautiful piece of art that I was about to see.  I smiled over at Brett, excited that he was with me.

We were in a theater on Mass Ave in downtown Indianapolis, for IndyFringe, a festival for theater arts. What may surprise you is that I actually considered auditioning to perform in this dance.  I wasn’t able to commit this summer, so here I was supporting my friend and thought it would be a fun and different date for Brett and me.

The music started. The dancers moved. And within minutes I was captivated.

This wasn’t just a dance. This wasn’t just art. This was spiritual.

The girls dressed in black were tormenting a girl while she slept. She dreamed of death. Fear gripped her. She was overcome by the black mesh that trapped her. She was almost paralyzed, tossed around as she was held captive by Death. Darkness. Defeat.

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The girl dreamed of other girls like herself. Lost. Dry bones dead (Ezekiel 37). No life.

dry bones

Then girls dressed in white appeared. They brought Life. Light. Hope to all the girls. Life wins over Death.

trinity

I sat there mesmerized.  This was the gospel of Jesus Christ demonstrated through dance, which is the passion behind Elisha Movement Christian Dance Company (EMCDC). It was a reminder that I am alive in Christ. I am no longer dead in my sin, which separates me from God. Jesus died and then became alive again to conquer death, and because of that, I have life for all eternity with Him.

But since art is interpretive, I heard the Spirit speak to me in a more specific way than death coming to life through the love and sacrifice of Jesus Christ…

The black mesh was Lies. Deceptions. Doubt. Fear. The imagery of the mesh trying to hold the dancer captive hit me so hard.  As my eyes couldn’t look away for even a second in fear of missing a move, my mind was racing throughout the dance:

“That’s me. Yes, I know how that feels! The lies and the darkness are horrific. It’s suffocating. I have felt paralyzed by fear. Look at her face. If this was real life, she would be screaming right now. Because I have definitely screamed in my pillow.  She’s covering her head from the tormenters. The lies can be so loud sometimes it’s deafening and all you can do is try to hide. But they won’t go away. She’s not getting up! She’s not fighting. She’s being carried as almost dead. She’s lost hope because she’s been deceived.”

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I knew then why God told me to pass up the audition. He didn’t want me dancing on the black floor, He wanted me sitting in the red chair to speak to me.

The dance didn’t end there. If it did, we’d all be lost. I’d still be a heap on the floor where Brett has found me with my hands over my head overcome by the lies that are shouting so loud that I can’t hear anything else. And I can’t get up because I am believing lies about myself that are completely contrary to the truth of who I really am in Jesus Christ: Alive. Dead to my sin. Forgiven. Loved. Redeemed. God’s daughter. Accepted.

Oh! But here enters three dancers in white on the stage, representing the Trinity (Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit).  My own words stop in my head as the power of the Spirit speaks through the dancers moves to say, “Christina…this is Truth. Truth always defeats Lies. Truth sets you free from the mesh of darkness. Truth prevails against deception. Truth is louder than your fears. Truth helps you breathe. Truth raises you up. Truth fights for you!”

I held myself back from weeping from the Spirit’s refreshing voice.  I’m quite the emotional/sensitive type, but in this moment I didn’t want to miss anything by being clouded with tears.  By the end of that 45 minute performance, I felt different from when I first leaned forward in anticipation expecting to only watch the art of dance.

I stood up from my red chair. I hugged my friend. I left the basement theater. I walked along Mass Ave, passing people on this busy Saturday night as other IndyFringe performances were ending.  I sat in the car and the tears then came as I shared with Brett what the Spirit said to me through each movement.

You see, I know the Truth of who I am. I’ve been hearing the Truth of God’s Word since I was in the womb of my mother. I’ve heard all the Bible stories as a kid. I’ve memorized hundreds of verses for church programs and school assignments. I’ve read through the Bible several times. I have been going to church every Sunday since the first time my parents brought me as a newborn. I have heard sermon after sermon from a variety of pastors and teachers. I went to a Christian school from kindergarten to 12th grade where Truth was taught in Math as well as Bible class. Ok, you get my point.  But I need you to realize that God’s Word has saturated my entire life.

Then why? Tell me why do I sometimes reject the Truth of what God says about me and I find myself in such torment from lies like the dancer above? 

In his book, Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave, Edward T. Welch asks the same question regarding a friend, who like me is not living out what he believes:

“How, then, could he believe correct theology and at the same time not believe it? How could his everyday theology – his actual or practical theology – be so contrary to what he recited in church on Sunday?”   In my case, be so contrary to what I have heard and known to be true my whole life.

How then?  Edward T. Welch answers by saying I have “no practical theology.” Practical theology is “simply theology in action. It is the application of theological teaching to life. It is asking, ‘So what’ of our theological propositions. What difference does it make that I am united with Christ…What difference does it mean that I am created in God’s image? All theology is practical theology, but some theological statements are still waiting to have many of their applications unpacked.”

Christina’s layman terms: I know what the Bible says about me.  I choose not to believe what it says, and therefore, do not apply it to my daily life. 

And furthermore, he continues: “When our desires conflict with Scripture, human beings do not always live according to what we say we believe. We can say we believe one thing, but our lives betray other allegiances… It is as though we have partitions in our minds where contradictory beliefs and behaviors live in separate compartments and never meet…It’s as if we practice two different religions. We believe one thing, but really believe another.”

I believe the Truth. But in some moments, I really believe the lies.  And because I really believe the lies, my thoughts betray the Truth and my actions follow based on those lies.

And that’s when I find myself paralyzed, wanting to give up fighting this fight. Hide and not let people too close. Doubt what God has called me to do.  Stop loving when it’s hard.  Stuck in past sin and fearing the future which causes me to escape my present reality. Fallen, and truly cannot get up as Brett carries me.

Which then makes me ineffective. Apathetic. Lukewarm. Selfish. Exactly where Satan wants me. He and his rulers of evil are cheering, “Yes! Another one down for the count!!! Let’s keep it up. Don’t let her get up!”

I am not really believing Jesus who is…

Truth (John 8:3)

Creator of All (1 Cor 1:16-17)

Alpha and Omega (Rev 22:13)

Son of God (Matt 3:17)

Good Shepherd (John 10:11)

I Am (John 8:58)

Immanuel (Is 7:14)

Lion of the Tribe of Judah (Rev 5:5)

Mighty One (Is 60:16) 

Bread of Life (John 6:35)

Resurrection and the Life (John 11:25)

And when I am not believing Jesus, I am really believing Satan…

The father of lies (John 8:44)

A lion who is prowling around to devour (1 Peter 5:8)

A deceitful serpent (Genesis 3:1)

The god of this world (2 Corinthians 4:4)

A murderer (Revelation 9:11)

An oppressor (Acts 10:38)

An accuser (Rev. 12:10)

That cuts me so deep. That I am willfully making the choice to believe Satan.

How does this happen? Why do I choose to believe a liar, murderer, oppressor? 

Because his weapon is to constantly be filling my mind with thoughts that are against the Truth.  Neil T. Anderson in his book, Victory Over the Darkness, says “Satan’s strategy is to introduce thoughts and ideas into your mind and deceive you into believing they are yours. If Satan can place a thought in your mind -and he can- it isn’t much more of a trick for him to make you think it is your idea. If you knew it was from Satan, you would reject the thought, wouldn’t you? When he disguises his suggestions as your thought and ideas, however, you are more likely to accept them. That is his primary deception.”   

Whoa. That should stop us in our tracks. If we were actually sitting across from Satan and hear him speak to us, we would run. Not even give what he says a second thought because we see in the Bible who he really is (listed above).  However, what an excellent war plan to subtly whisper a thought that I do believe comes from me. And since I struggle with pride and thinking of myself more highly than I ought to (Romans 12:3), of course I don’t think that my thoughts are initially that bad.  Usually the first thought seems “innocent” or at least I can justify it really well. It doesn’t look sinful. But whether it is a bold-faced lie or a twist on the truth…Satan’s already on his way to deceiving me.

“If Satan can get you to believe a lie, you can lose some element of control in your life. If you fail to keep every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor. 10:5), you may be allowing Satan to influence your life in a negative direction,” Neil T. Anderson continues to say.

When a thought comes into my head and I don’t immediately evaluate it but believe that thought, Satan then has power over me. And that’s when I am on a path of destruction. Like a snowball effect. 

One lie…

I am left out and alone…

That person rejected me and therefore I am a failure as a friend…

leads to more…   

My past sin defines me…

I’ll never overcome this sin. It has a hold on me…

I can handle this temptation… 

and even more…

I am not satisfied so I need more of ________

If only I had _______ I’d be happy…

I need to try harder, do more, be more for God…

…and before long there are so many lies that have built up that everything is dark and gloomy and my attitude and demeanor soon follow; I lose discernment and make wrong choices; I’m paralyzed, hiding, doubting, fearing….

because I’m believing a murderer whose one goal is to intimidate me and hinder any impact God can have through me.  That is the truth. And I better start really believing it, so that my action response is attacking these lies with a vengeance. Violently. Fervently. Urgently. Warrior-minded.

You wanna fight, Satan? Let’s go. Your battle weapon is deception…my weapon is gonna make you flee so fast you’re gonna wish you messed with someone else…

{Continue reading Part 2.}

*Pictures are from scenes in EMCDC’s debut show “Lilly of the Valley.” Photo credit: Charles Borowicz.  

 

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4 thoughts on “I believe Jesus…but I really believe Satan.

  1. This is extremely thought provoking which is what most writers hope for. Love The “If we don’t believe Jesus then we believe Satan” – after all it’s all dark or light / good or evil – as someone who has fought through Shame and PSTD – not to mention guilt – I’ve been attacked by Satan in forms of black smoke like movement – yet too, He’s enticed me as an angel of light, so we must guard our hearts above all else and transform our minds with indulgence into God’s Word as often as possible. I’m a warrior for Christ, former military combat warrior, and freedom fighter; yet, I’ve fallen and have been defeated in battles with the enemy – yet I must always remind myself…,a few battles lost is just a small portion of a greater war and the victory that we have already won when Christ claimed our Victory on the Cross.
    Ephesians 6:10-18 daily.
    Great job, I’m sorry I missed this play.
    Wonderful writing.

    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. This encouraged me so much, especially the part on how a few battles lost is small compared to the victory we have in Jesus! All praise to Him!

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